Hear that? It’s the crisp sound of the first Old Style being cracked open on the Cubs home opener at Wrigley Field on Monday, April 12^th. After five long months of baseball-lessness, the Cubbies are back in the Friendly Confines hoping their 162-game road leads to post-season glory in October. White Sox Fans, Southsiders, and Barack Obama – stop reading now as an all-Cubbies crash course with roster breakdowns and dos and don’ts may cause nausea, headaches, eye rolls, and indigestion.

Ask any Chicagoan and they’ll tell you that one of the best parts of summers in the Windy City is baseball. While the Cubs have tortured fans for years, people still turn out in droves to watch the lovable losers. Although there are many devoted students of the game, Cubs fans have developed a reputation as partiers rather than true baseball fans. To avoid becoming a walking Cubs fan stereotype, make sure you have a few nuggets of general knowledge regarding  your 2010 Chicago Cubs:

Starting Pitcher Rotation:

1. Carlos Zambrano: hot tempered and unpredictable, this right-handed hurler is the Cubs ace. Not only known for his prowess on the mound, Zambrano also boasts 20 career homeruns. Pretty impressive for a pitcher.
2. Ryan Dempster: strong in spring training, the Cubs need him to keep the momentum going.
3. Randy Wells: called up from the minors in 2009, Wells had a decent rookie debut with the Cubs, racking up 12 wins.
4. Carlos Silva: dont get too attached; S ilva could potentially be replaced when Ted Lilly returns.
5. Tom Gorzelanny: acquired in 2009 from the Pittsburgh Pirates, Gorzelanny rounds out the starting five.

Starting Lineup:

• Catcher – Geovany Soto: Soto might have been the 2008 NL Rookie of the Year, but his performance in spring training has been anything but award-winning. Hitless in his last 17 at bats, Soto better turn it around or he’ll be hearing boos from the bleachers.
• First Base – Derrek Lee: hottest butt on a first baseman this side of the Mississippi. More opinion than fact, but keep an eye out for this badonkadonk next time he’s up to bat as Lee led the Cubs in homeruns with 35 last season.
• Second Base – Mike Fontenot: good things come in small packages (that’s what she said?). At 5”8, the lefty hitter brings a little diversity to a predominantly right-handed batting order.
• Third Base – Aramis Ramirez: much to the chagrin of Cubs fans, Ramirez durability has been called into question with multiple injuries over the past few seasons. He led the team in batting average in 2009, so look to him to rack up some serious offense for the Cubbies.
• Shortstop – Ryan Theriot: although his nickname is “The Riot”, be sure you know how to actually say his last name. My phonetic spelling is “Tear-E-O,” but feel free to learn it whatever way you see fit.
• Left Field – Alfonso Soriano – Referred to by bitter fans as “overpaid” and “overrated,” this hops-when-he-catches outfielder was quoted as saying that he believes in this year’s team. Hopefully his performance will have fans believing as well.
• Center Field – Marlon Byrd: stepping out in a Cubs uniform for the first time this spring, Byrd was acquired on a three-year contract from the Texas Rangers.
• Right Field – Kosuke Fukudome: His arrival from Japan was met with much fanfare in 2008 and has prompted local vendors everywhere to carry Fukudome-inspired apparel and souvenirs.

Now that you’re armed with a general command of the Cubs starting line-up, there are a few things you should abide by when frequenting the hollowed ground that is Wrigley Field. Use my Dos and Don’ts to successfully navigate the stadium, avoid social suicide, and exponentially increase the satisfaction of your overall Chicago Cubs experience. Check the list to make sure your game-day etiquette is up to par.

DO sing “Go Cubs Go” when the Cubs win. All wins should be celebrated by breaking into an uplifting song.

DON’T order ketchup on your Chicago-style hot dog. This ain’t your momma’s backyard BBQ, so show a little respect.

DO know your stuff (ahem, see above). Be able to name at least three Cubs players (and their positions), who the Cubs are playing that day, and what division the Cubs are in. There are less expensive ways to get drunk than to shell out money for a Cubs ticket; make sure you’re somewhat vested in the game.

DON’T forget to tip the beer vendors. A little green will keep your guy coming back, ensuring that you are never overwhelmed by debilitating thirst.

DO belt out the 7^th Inning Stretch with ruthless abandon. While all baseball parks partake in this time-honored tradition, no one does it quite like the Chicago Cubs.

DON’T wear pink Cubs apparel unless it’s Mother’s Day or for Breast Cancer Awareness. Last I saw, no Major League Baseball team took the field in pink uniforms (besides said exceptions). You think you’re being cute, but you’re really just annoying everyone around you. Especially me.

DO tastefully and respectively heckle the opposing team. A little playful banter should be expected. After all, we don’t want visiting teams to think Wrigley is the home of warm fuzzies and positive affirmations.

DON’T obstruct a player’s ability to make a play on the ball. Ever heard of Steve Bartman? While I’m sure he’d love for someone else to take his place as ‘Most Hated Person in Chicago’, a foul ball isn’t worth becoming a social pariah.

DO take off work in the middle of the week to attend a Cubs day game. Even though it’s a legit vacation day, you’ll still feel a little Ferris Bueller-esque as you drink your Old Style while everyone else slaves away at their 9-5.

DON’T be ‘that person’ with a seat in the middle of the row that constantly gets up to go to the bathroom, get food, grab a beer, etc. Unless you like hearing the exasperated sighs of the people you’re climbing over, try and consolidate trips and wait as long as possible to break the seal.

DO be sure to get one last beer/Mai Tai/margarita before the 7^th inning ends. Alcohol sales stop after the 7^th inning, which leaves you high and dry in the 8^th and 9^th.  And just imagine the horror if the game goes into extra innings.

DON’T leave in extra innings. You know how Cubs fans have a reputation for knowing nothing about baseball and not caring about the outcome of the game? Yeah, don’t add more fuel to the fire. Besides, if the game goes to 14 innings, you get another 7^th inning stretch.

DO play the dollar cup/Moundball game http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moundball. It keeps the group interested in the game and gives you a shot at additional beer money. It’s a win-win.

DON’T ever give up hope. Sure the Cubs last won the World Series in 1908, but that just means they’re due. Stay strong. And remember, every year can be the Cubs’ year.

It may seem like a lot to take in, but just as a sommelier can appreciate the subtleties in a glass of wine that an unrefined palate cannot, you can now savor and enjoy the Chicago Cubs 2010 season with a new level of sophistication. So sit back, grab a hot dog and an over-priced beer, and let the Cubbies take you away.

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